There has been so much talk and focus on being authentic in recent years. I am constantly striving to be more authentic in my daily life. As a Midwest girl living in the West who has lived in six other states (including one in the South and one on the East Coast) and two other countries in between, sometimes those lines are really blurry. I’ve been known to tell my husband “this is my identity” when he questions why I am using Velveeta cheese (and side note I'm shocked that not everyone loves it, including both my kids). "Who am I authentically?", is a question I find I'm asking myself more than ever in recent years, so I did a little authentic assessment on myself.
Not long ago, a girlfriend and I broached the topic of being authentic. It was her word of the year and she was really trying to stay true to who she is and what she wanted. This is a real challenge for us moms who might’ve lost touch with that idea a little bit. We've spent years, maybe decades, hyper-focused on helping our kids find their own authentic selves- what sports or activities do they like, what is their style, what type of music do they enjoy, what subjects come most easy and who feels most comfortable as friends to them? As moms we know what everyone else wants to do, or even what they prefer for dinner, but many times we can’t answer that question for ourselves, or choose not to, giving our authentic selves a backseat to everyone else's. We preach about how important it is to showcase our individuality to our children, but we've lost who we are as an individual a little bit...or a lot.
My friend and I decided we were hellbent on just really sticking with being truly authentic to ourselves in all situations. We wanted to show up fully as ourselves out in the real world at all times. To do just that we planned to swing the pendulum completely in the other direction and participate only when it felt completely authentic to who we are. At first it felt great! "Want to play video games mom?" "Nope." "Can we have McDonalds for dinner?" "Nope." "Want to spend the weekend watching football?" Also, "nope" (unless is college football). It was a true test and it was kind of freeing.
Until it wasn't.
We were missing out on activities with our spouse and families that although might've not have been completely up our alley, or what we would have personally chosen, we would still have had a great time if we were there. For example, have you heard of the term “outsidsey”? That is what I consider myself. I like to go for walks, eat al fresco, and love a good sunrise or sunset, however my husband is what you would call “outdoorsy”. He loves to camp, ski, fish, raft, and be out in the elements. I had decided by being authentic to myself, maybe I wouldn’t go camping. He could take the boys, they would all have a great time and I would do things I authentically liked to do, maybe shop, go to a movie, spend time with a girlfriend, etc. So we tried that one weekend last summer and I realized right away, I really missed camping with my family! Sure I slept more comfortably, didn’t eat nearly as many chips or drink as many beers, but I also missed out on a lot of laughs, memories and stories that the rest of my family was creating together. It was a realization that maybe it’s good to get out of our authentic comfort zone. And maybe not just every once in a while, but maybe often? Perhaps that’s part of the reason why opposites attract?
My husband has no question opened my life up to so many new experiences that aren't all that authentic to me- all that “outdoorsy” stuff, living abroad, cooking from scratch, etc. I’m sure I’ve opened his life up to new experiences even if they might be a little more “comfortable” that are still out of his “comfort zone” or wouldn't be something his authentic self would choose. The fun of a Sunday matinee, dressing up for a theme party, and even shopping and lunching on occasion.
This has been a real learning process of personal growth for me. I've realized I don’t want to close the door to anything! I want to continue to be a jack-of-all-trades that is willing to try anything once and participate, or even endure, numerous times if I choose. Yes, still listening to what feels authentically right to me and I am reserving the right to know when something isn’t my jam (I’m looking at you snow skiing), but I've decided I don't just want to live authentically,
I want to live authentically within moderation.
Some of my favorite times and memories have been lived outside of that authentic comfort zone.
Does this subject area resonate with you? Maybe you are also a mom who has noticed main differences in how you feel you are authentically showing up in the world, or maybe even more likely, you don't even know who your authentic self is anymore? It truly is a process of lifelong learning isn't it? What methods of assessment do we use to decide if we are showing up authentically? It can make it even more difficult given our peer review that we are constantly conducting on whatever our chosen social media platform is. Seeing a mom on IG who loves doing crafts with her kids and thinking I should love doing crafts with my kids, when in reality that doesn't light you up. These are simple yet complex problems filled with guilt. We have to come up with a lot of internal assessment criteria to make sure we are really nailing our own authentic achievement! I do think this is an important practice and probably important to start as soon as you feel that "who am I really?" thought creeping in. How often do you hear about a mom who is completely lost after her kids go off to college and she becomes and empty nester.
I can see the writing on the wall. I get it. I see you momma.
I hope we can all help each other do some problem solving and rediscover, or constantly redevelop, who we are authentically. I have three suggestions that might help us get on the path to living authentically within moderation.
1-
One main way I have found to reacquaint myself with who I truly am is to be around friends without our kids or husbands. GIRLS TRIP!! Bonus if they are friends who knew you before you had a husband and kids. I have shared tears and laughs on girls trips where we are like, "OH! Here I am!" You get away from all that grown up responsibility and routine you have developed and that new shell kind of breaks off and that younger version of you shines through a bit. That is a good place to start.
2-
I have this quote on display as a daily reminder.
If you can't read it, it says...
Document the moments you feel most in love with yourself-
what you're wearing,
who you're around,
what you're doing.
Recreate and repeat.
-Warsan Shire
3-
Travel and travel often. Getting out of the boxes we have built up around ourselves and literally getting out of our comfort zone and off our comfy couches to explore new areas and have new experiences is really powerful.
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